So, it's 2009. I seek to the future for something great to happen. For a moment to shine. I look behind to the past to recall and learn from my mistakes and I have made some huge mistakes. I've betrayed friends through irresponsible actions, I've been portrayed a liar which, for one thing I'm sure of, I'm not and I've been called Lazy.

Well in my career shift from being employed to, well, not employed. I decided to do something bold and daring - get a job that incorporated manual labour to encourage cash flow and reduce boredom and possiblities of despression.

During this time it's so easy to get lost in self-pity and doubting your own worth... and it's all to easy to give up. Believe me. I know. I experience 5 seconds of the deepest, darkest part of my emotions and felt lost. Thankfully I relied upon the fact that when all esle fails there is something that I have that no amount of financial stress or friendship trouble can take away - my passion for people.

I made a few phonecalls and some phonecalls were made on my behalf and I was to attend to new areas of work that I hadn't done before... Bar work and Restaurant work. Flexible hours and possibility of tips were the main attraction but once I had done trial shifts at both places I was hooked.

I've been working at these two places at all hours of the day and night for about 3 weeks... and do you know what? I love it. It can be tiring but I just have to ensure that I have enough Vitamins in my body to keep me in check... I have met some more amazing people of London and I've even been inspired to take on a Social Media project to create a new type of community (thoughts on this later).

So far they have been experiences of ability, strength, courage and personal development and I'm ENJOYING every working minute. Every mistake is soemthing new for me to learn and every shift I do is increasing my knowledge of something else that I can apply to business... These are exciting times for me now and, whilst I wait on the news of a job vacancy I've interviewed twice for, I can now enjoy connecting with people and making myself a better person through this crisis.

I'm a romantic. Most people who know me know that i love love. And i also know that those who know me know that i love love and that i know it. So why, on Valentines Day this year did i not do anything with the one person i care so
much about that even a carefully selected choice of 26 letters couldn't depict it
accurately?

I love him. That's clear. There is nobody i'd rather spend my time with. He's
generous and very much into celebrating Valentines Day. I know all of this and
yet i did nothing. I woke up that morning and felt sheer guilt that he had
bought me something and i had not returned the jubilation with my own gift.

I explained to him that i don't believe in it because it's an advertisers
holiday and not a lovers holiday. He agreed but said he celebrates it along with everyone else out of tradition.

Have I become numb to the public expressions of affection on this day surely out of stubborn self correction that i don't want to do anything because it's
expected? What did you do on Valentines Day? Be honest? Did you find it overrated and pointless, or do you believe in sharing it on this day because you believe in it?

Of course by 'sexship' i'm not referring to a floating capsule in which people engage in erotic pirate fantasies. I'm merely referring to a new word for a relationship based soley on sex - SEXSHIP. Get it?

I recently had a discussion with a dear friend of mine who said that for once he wasn't obsessed by the amount of sex he was getting with his new partner. He
quite subtley explained that the sex is fine but they're not 100% compatible in
the bedroom. However, he said it didn't matter because he wanted to make it work because his feelings for his new found partner was more important.

This made me think. If you're in a relationship where the feelings for each
other are mutual, do you try and work with each other to make the sex
satisfactory? Pertaining to my other rationalisation that if you're in a
situation where the sex is great but you're not sure how the other feels about
committing to a relationship, are you in a sex only relationship? Trying to make the relationship work because of the sex is surely pointless.

Personally i believe that good sex occurs with people you are attracted to but
great sex (sober) occurs with someone you emotionally and intellectually connect with. So, in my opinion, if you're trying to make the sex work with someone then there is more to your relationship than you might expect, it is a connection that transcends mere aesthetic pleasure. However, if you're struggling to work out whether someone likes you or not because you engage in good sex but feel emotionally disconnected and insecure with them, then it's a dead end.

My advice: Ensure you know what you want. Get what you need and don't make a relationship work because you are enjoying a very good intimate
relationship. Especially where men are concerned... We're very visual in our
sexual conversion so we can committ sexually but not necessarily emotionally. For example, women consider oral sex far more personal than the act of penetration - men on the other hand see it in reverse.

I recently contribruted to a discussion on something similar to this but discuss in more detail by @trudyys. Visit her at  http://www.psycinreallife.com/psychological-effects-of-sex/
Trudy really taps into what the implications of sex has on our psychological self. Have a read.

It has been reported by the popular www.londongayman.com that a pair of penguins, who notoriously become partners for life, were recently segregated by their zoo-keepers at Polar Land in China for replacing the eggs of other parents with stones. The penguins, who are reported to be a gay couple, have recently triumphed after activists (of the human kind) reported discrimination and asked for the gay couple to be allowed the same privileges. After providing the couple with eggs from another set of parents who were not doing such a 'cool' job, they were found to be excellent parents. 

This news provides a little light in todays world where there is violence and economic crisis everywhere. Perhaps it's because it's something I hold close to my own heart, but I happen to know gay parents who have done an absolutely great job at providing the child with as much 'normality' as can be given to a child growing up in a diverse and changing environment. 

You can see the penguin article in full at: http://www.londongayman.co.uk/news-gay-penguins-polar-land-china-173.html

Sometimes we lack confidence in ourselves about certain organs. They can be different sizes, shapes and their output can vary depending on whether you've been sensible in your research. Sometimes you get them, only to find that, actually, it doesn't fit. These things can be irritating, but embarassing? 

What we need to consider when you're looking at making that big step is:

1) Are you ready for it?

2) Are you focused on size and looks or does the fact that it works just matter?

3) Is it going to be high maintenance?

4) Can you use it both for both larger groups and more intimate performances?

Of course, I'm talking about Pianos. It's an instrument I hold dearly because I own one. A beautiful one in fact. Roland KR-5 Digital Piano. The reproduction is gorgeous and authentic, sampled from a Steinway Concert Grand Piano, it gives you that emotion in your playing without having to do too much.

An onboard computer, touch screen display and floppy-disk drive allow for my full creativity to be captured and because you can view the score and edit in real-time recording, you can absolutely create some stunning pieces of music. It helps that it comes with well over 150 instruments built in that are just as authentic as the piano recreation.

To be honest I would love a fully open, solid wood grand piano, but they are too expensive, too high maintenance and, above all, HUGE! My digital piano, on the other hand, is perfect. It is a full sized keyboard with weighted keys to ensure the feel of playing the piano is as authentic as possible. With the touch-sensitivity adjustment, it does mean that any children trying to play the piano don't have to press as hard to produce a sound. So it's perfect for all ages and experience.

I'm a self-taught pianist, mainly from this very piano because it contains exercises to practice with and scores that you can follow on screen to learn to play and improve your sight-reading. It also has a children's play area built into it to amuse kids. They, too, can learn from a young age whilst having fun at the same time. I wish I'd had this piano when I was growing up... I'm sure I could have been the next Chopin - ah hem... or not.

Though I love my beautiful Roland and we've shared some great times, it's time that I pass on his legacy to someone else. Someone who can benefit from his great looks, stunning charm and great physique as I am going to be moving soon and I may no longer be able to accommodate him. I cry. I may in fact cry becaus through him I've vented and expressed many of my musical stories of heart-ache, joy and passion, something which he will now take with him to someone else.

For more information, see http://tinyurl.com/a49g2v

Inspiring music, capturing video, romantic lyrics. I am addicted to this piece here. I hope to be seeing more from them. Check out the band's Myspace page at http://www.myspace.com/bimmusic. And check out Katy Davis, the animator here! www.gobblynne.com. Gorgeous.

It was noticed that I hadn't been online for a while. My Blog was not updated and my Twesence (Twitter Presence) had dissipated to small comments here and there.

The press is highlighting the economic crisis and in London it counts for a large part of their daily discussions. With my very own job loss and career stump just prior to Christmas I decided to take the time to escape from the London let-down, the retail desperation and the countless audio soundbytes of the recession as you walk passed people, enter coffee shops and sit on the tube.

The media is doing to the recession what oxygen does to fire - it keeps it growing. The English, we panic. Shops close, we panic buy. Snow falls and we close roads, businesses and schools. It's part of our nature. Good or bad it doesn't matter but in times of absolute anarchy we must see that causing panic only provides an accelerant to the fire. We survived the Great Fire of London, why can't we see that this is the economic form. Don't fight the fire by throwing buckets of water on it in panic, it only drains other resources. Take a breath, survey the path of the fire and see where we can contain and control it - damage limitation. If we all did this instead of panicking we will find ourselves a stronger community and something that can overcome the fire itself. We have to restore faith in our economy, even by a little, and we'll see a way in which to put in longer-term fixes instead of resource draining 'plasters'!

I'm taking control of everything in my life at the moment: resolving my personal economic crisis; how I can help the bigger picture by thinking straight when those around lose their heads; believing in my own abilities to maintain positive and show the world that I'm still able to do whatever I want. Everybody can, so long as you keep that head clear of fear and embrace the scary with a crash-helmet and sword.

I've been absent to regain my focus, restore my family relations, spend some quality time with my beautiful 18 month old nephew, engage with an entirely different group of people and escape to a small town called Scarborough to slow myslef down.

However, the recharge means I now need to direct that energy... that is my next quest!
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL

No, I'm not talking ranks in a convent or producing an alternative to Sound of Music. I'm talking about meeting individuals who are new to London.

In my favourite tea shop (I promise this isn't a plug, it is an actual obsession) I come across many different customers who look to try new things. Maybe it's these people that I'm attracted to for conversation because a) they found this place and b) they're in to find something different other than resort to our American takeover equivalents (cough Starbucks). Sometimes these customers engage in chat with me about different things. On Monday it was about Time as a currency (when I know more I'll discuss) and today it was a Turkish national studying here to improve his English. Both converastions ensued over 30 minutes and flower-tea but the Turkish chap captured something in me that I have an innate desire to do. Help!

Can (pronounced Chan) is London to improve his language, something he has a desire to do seeing as thought "every country requires you to speak it". Maybe this isn't true and perhaps just an exaggeration but still, our language is everywhere and therefore almost global speak. He is living with his Aunty over here who has kindly provided him the residence and he is working in a restaurant to provide himself more opportunity to engage with English. I did point out that only 30% of people in London are actually English (according to my former conversant), but hey, it's a start. He described to me in his surprisingly good English how he struggles because he still thinks in Turkish but would like to be able to have some thoughts in English. We delved into topics of the English language, accents and dialects, colloquialisms and why people find me hard to understand because I have a words-per-minute statistic faster than Busta Rhymes, (Yeah, he didn't know him either!). He disagreed and liked my communication style, describing me as clear and easy to talk with. We spoke around others but I then suggested ways in which he could improve his overall English by getting to know the people and culture by attending events, using gum-tree to do a language exchange with an English person wanting to learn Turkish and perhaps starting written conversations in chat forums and then taing it to verbal communication when he's confident.

Our conversation inspired me. His drive to learn English motivated me and I became a fire of energy and willingness to help. See I love languages and I love different cultures. When someone is finding it hard in London to become integrated, I want to know why and then how this can change just by making small steps. If he was to stay on I would help him produce a CV, work with him to find an apporpriate job and introduce him to suitable people who may be of interest to him. A chance where his language will just be a skill on his CV and not a barrier for his employment opportunities.

I will no doubt see him again, and I look forward to hearing what he has done since our chat and since I helped him correct his action plan with a small English lesson.

FIRSTLY I do like the Americans, their beliefs, their way of life, their ethic (!), their stance on politics, their sense of community etc. I have dated a national and I've forged good friendships alike. There are a few things I dislike in general so why focus on the negative when there are many more positives...well it's simple - please stop your domination of my country.

I'm british. I'm proud of aspects of my country. We have our small issues with politics, which @dungekin highlights with our wonderfuly utilised, beautiful language (http://dungeekin.blogspot.com/). We are polite, if not vague (just ask @jobucks - www.flowingmotion.wordpress.com). We have done our fairshare of domination and endured countless wars, but there is something more under threat about this country than anything else... our society and culture.

Our culture is one of generosity, allowing others to seek haven here when their country is committing genocide. We provide shelter, food and water for those in need and everybody here contributes to those who cannot work for whatever reason (whether we want to or not). Our culture is also one that enjoys community engagements and family commitments, parties and quiet dinners, bingo and brash comedy. We have a natural wit of sarcasm and great history of talented individuals in all forms of art and literature, music and film. We have carved out futures and destinations through what we learn from others and more importantly, remain in places to help other countries and cultures practice what we learned. This is great. This is England.

Now we sue for tripping over a banana peel, victims are prosecuted against criminals, reality TV shows replace talent shows, popularity contests are dressed up as the chance for the public to vote for a future talent of the music, theatre and TV world, instead of talent being the driver. Celebrities provide more influence than politicians and marketing is stronger than a belief. Our culture has been invades by the very things that ring true of Americanisms... celebrity obsessed and get every dollar we can for as little as possible.

Let's hold the line, stand our ground and say No! to this way of life. Burn your heat magazines, take up a hobby that encourages you to practice a skill that can be used and read more literature. If the topic of conversation is founded on what Robinson Crusoe exists to prove instead of whether Victoria Beckham's nose really is plastic we'll achieve two things: a) celebrities will exist to be at their best and be liked for their talent and b) we'll regain a culture that is educated, bold and brave, enthusiastic, creative, considerate, conscientious, humble and wise... Something I would love to see.

Maybe it's naivety and merely a dream, but Blogs allow us to draw on our education, reflect on our thoughts and concerns and provide the very tools that help us shape our futures by amplifying communication to people we perhaps wouldn't normally reach.

I AM BRITISH, I love people and I love language... It's why I write.

There are many occasions in life when you have to try new things and with exploration it's rare you'll find a warm approach. Exploration to me conjures up uncertaintity, untravelled, prepared for the unknown. I'm about to enter an Ice Age, metaphorically speaking. I'm going to do it naked too. With some very dramatic changes that I'm soon going to be making in my life and decisions that will impact the next 12 months quite a lot I'm going to be at my most unguarded, unprotected but, you know what, my most happiest.

My career is going to change, it has already changed for the better and now I'm able to put my hand to things that will help strangers, friends and hopefully family too. I'm not going to pretend I'm free from fear and doubt but only because I'm human and I know my emotional limitations and weaknesses. I'm a little scared but with fear and uncertaintity grows some of my strengths - self humility, the ability to take responsbility for actions and accountability for my mistakes and then laugh full-on heartedly at each one of them. Also enthusiasm, being unsure of something can only mean a few things: research, education and exploration - all of which set alight my passions and invoke my creativity.

I'm going to call it my ice age... starting with very little but working with new collaborations and communities to build up a new brand called Jeanes that's hopefully a little smarter, perhaps a little more clever but definitely wiser and more experienced. I'm going to thaw dormant passions, heat up cooling visions and say 'yes' more often.

London will be my house but the world will be my playground. I refuse to let the impact of todays economic climate be a sedative in everything I want to achieve. I'm going to lay out some key goals and hit as many of them as I can. I will because I want to, not because I have to. I will encourage others to find home in London, integrate them into a new economy and a new community and, perhaps in the smallest way, help shape the world. I'm no miracle worker, rain-marker or peace-keeper. I'm a risk taker with limitations imposed by the laws of science and my vocabularly (come to think of it a lot of other things, but for poetic sake, sssshhh!).

So, I ask you. If there is anything you would like to do in 2009, what would it be? And will it be? I don't have to go it alone do I? It's bloody cold out there.