Changing Colours

I have something that really is more important than anything else. A family who loves me, colleagues who like me, a boyfriend who is simply amazing and yet i couldn't feel anymore lost. My selfish side wants more than this. He wants to feel that sense of ownership, creative output, strength, energy, space, recognition and fun - all achieved by himself. 

I am having a great time at the moment meeting lots of new people and engaging in conversations that differ from one minute to the next. Experiencing new sensations and surroundings. Working ethics are different and attitudes fluctuate , yet i'm falling lazy, uninspired and exhausted. My mind is slipping into an abyss of regularity and monotony, comfort and complacency, selfishness and restlessness. 

I know from retrospective analysis that i've become a little destructive and self-deprecating during these periods of misplaced energy. I understand that i become distant, unresponsive, arrogant and two-faced. Unable to confront conflictions and resolve problems properly because i become self-involved, lack confidence, and unsociable. I also develop apathy and l responses to real situations. Detached from empathy-expected reactions and positive pro-activity. I'm almost losing all of my positive characteristics to an unfulfilment of the creative kind. A professional amputation! Now, the only thing in my favour is that i've always been a chameleon. Able to change with environment and adapt well.  Also an amputation to a lizard's tail means a temporary set-back whilst it grows another one back. It may feel off-balance for a while but it means it survived and will live to see off another fight. At the moment i've, metaphorically speaking, had my tail cut off and i'm in hiding but i can feel that whilst my body rests and begins its reconstruction i'm going to show my true colours and prove to myself more than anyone that i can do what i want if i put my mind to it. For once it's going to be what i want, whether i fail or succeed i'm going to learn from it and be the best damn chameleon this world has ever seen.


I hate this feeling that i'm going through right now but we have to go through it if we're going on a path of self-discovery. Thank god i have the important things in place already. For that i'm thankful and need to stop being ungrateful. To my family and always supportive, beautiful boyfriend i thank you. You are the reason i exist and why i'll succeed. I promise to give all of your encouragement and love back when you need it. I'm always here.